I believe there’s a conspiracy of sorts that revolves around my experience on the road. I have this theory that there’s a group of people under the name “slow walkers” whose sole purpose is to walk extremely slow in front of me when I’m in a rush. Who even does that?
But I realize, this seems quite ridiculous, but the amount of times I was late because of…
Just the other day, I had a medical appointment around 2:15 pm, and my plan was to avoid having to rush again. To my surprise, the journey took me a little over fifteen minutes which wasn’t all that bad assuming that there was no traffic, or tourist that decide to stop and take photos of fire hydrants. But we all know things don’t really go as planned, so I ended up getting stuck behind someone who was moving far too slow on the sidewalk.
The beauty of the internet allows me to share my experience of such reefs. I don’t think anyone can recall a doctor’s appointment as vividly as I do and that is because of the trauma that came with it. First, the eight block walk took a little more than I had anticipated because my fancy wrist watch kept getting in my way.
For context, I shamelessly depict myself as a molasses-mover. But believe it or not, as soon as I turned onto the street with the health center, everything somehow seemed perfect and magically fell into place. Clear sidewalks, short lines, and absolutely no major traffic jams… What more could I ask?
He showed up at the intersection of Maple and 4th, a man somewhere in his mid-age wearing beige pants that showed his appreciation for life. His gait could only be described as “actively slow.” Not the slowness that requires sympathy, but the slowness of someone who has no concept that other people exist outside of themselves. Because of the construction, the sidewalks were narrow, which created the ideal space for this human sloth to exploit.
For two blocks, I tried to keep what I thought was a respectful distance while becoming increasingly aware of each passing minute. I cleared my throat which is the universal signal for “I exist behind you and would like some acknowledgment.” I got nothing. So, I performed the exaggerated sigh that serves as the urban equivalent of a car horn.
Still not even a glance. The dance began in earnest. I moved slightly to the left, and he began to drift left as well.
I shifted to the right, and his meandering trajectory adjusted as well. I began to wonder if he has eyes in the back of his head or if some people, like slow walkers, have some form of defense mechanism against being passed. In the end, I was left with three options: maintain my current speed and be late to my appointment, jump in front of a bus and die, or execute what I call the “awkward half-jog pass.” This is that silly gait that no one knows whether to classify as walking or running—an in-between, socially uncomfortable form of movement that exclaims, “I have to get somewhere but I’m too embarrassed to run.”
As it’s usually done, I opted for the third option.
The half-jog is a form of humiliation unique to urban places—having to jog in an awkward motion while in the middle of a crowded city or town. Your arms become disobedient. They can’t decide to stay in straightjackets at the side of your body, to swing with the rhythm of a walk, or to pump and swing as if you’re running.
There is simply no best answer. At the time when I slowly performed the act, The Meanderer was at last able to perceive me, giving me a look that was a mixture of surprise, slight offense, and absolute indifference. This glance spoke: “The only thing left now is to wonder why someone would wish to move faster than the speed at which moss grows on my side facing north.”
The lack of jogging was not an issue, but the main blockage was the unbelievably terrible pressure that was needed for me to sustain the pace after passing in front of The Meanderer.
Picture me enduring the terrifying consequences of being a leisure jogger in front of an audience, where my motive transforming from an exercise into a horrible performance. Maintaining that ridiculous speed meant sweat and breath effort by the time fogged my glasses. We do not have the mantra on the economy cost of a slow walker like The Meanderer , and make no mistake, they do indeed have this payment that surrounds expenses that evaporate over time and the restraint that is placed on control.
Knowing that slow walkers exist is baffling enough, but the different types that exist are much more extraordinary. Ranging from Phone Zombies to Social Bond people who all stop mid-movement for no reason whatsoever. When it comes to Side-by-Siders, there are two to five of them walking, but they occupy the sidewalk so no one else can use it.
Despite two to five of them trying to walk, they form an impenetrable human wall that only moves at the speed of that one tortoise who wins the race. The formation is so stiff, they can’t walk in a way that would allow anyone to get through. Suggesting that they “single file” is blasphemy.
Trolling people as they consume social media is their favorite pastime. Phone Zombies are always on social media, necks contorted at 45-degree angles forward and shuffling as they go. Their movements are like a drunked bumblebee flailing and along the way, have no consideration for those around them.
Phone Zombies consume all the patience the entire society has left. Predicting their movements is akin to placing a bet on the path some drunken bumblebee will take. Don’t even get me started on the Stopping Star – the most astounding of them all.
You’d most likely see the Stopping Star during an intersection and this is the individual who when reached the corner, halts out of nowhere without giving someone a warning. It is infuriating to say the least. Stopping Star wallets get smashed because he comes to a complete stop without worrying, which ends up causing a huge pile of pedestrians who were mid-walking to now be a pile.
All of them trying to save the other from bumping. Its like I’m trying to save this guy from colliding with a wall while Stopping Star freezes in one position clueless that sidewalks aren’t for contemplating but moving. One of the most frustrating walkers have to be the Oblivious Meanderers.
It can be infuriating trying to work through a crowd when others are not walking to what one might consider a standard pace and walking in an unpredictable zig-zag motion. These human pinballs might have snoozed through math their entire lives since it would take hundreds of hours of calculus and advanced game theory just trying to determine which direction they’ll swerve in next. One time I spent a long time trying to work around a woman who walked side to side like a sine wave for the duration of an entire city block.
The entire time she kept drifting into the space I was aiming for and blocking my movement. As I said, having to deal with slow walkers is infuriating and baffling. What truly does baffles me is their complete inability to recognize the fact that they are indeed walking at a much slower pace than the average person.
Most seem to be stuck in a bubble where their pace actually feels normal but in reality, it’s definitely not. They are currently strolling around bars that have no real regard for how the rest of their surroundings functions. They try to comprehend the actions of those who are actually doing the ‘half-jog of shame’.
A reasonable action to their pace which can only be categorized as ludicrous. Walking slowly is an art form to bombarding stores and shopping. To add on to the art of walking slowly, a slow walker has a much broader stage such as shopping malls and department stores.
The combination of narrow aisles, baseless shelves that are placed in order to encourage parents to purchase more shoes and children who treat shopping as a form of a sport or leisure leads to the ultimate form of mental stress and intra-continental walking traffic. Purchasing a tie for my nephew was the only thing I needed to do last Christmas. I knew exactly which department the tie was, what store to go to, and which department to purchase it.
If everything went to plan, I should have completed this in under ten minutes, and I would not have needed to wait at the cashier to make the purchase. But instead, I had to wait behind a family of four who took their sweet time moving through the store. It was as if they were crawling through the place like a tortoise.
The family stopped at every display the store had to offer, even ones that did not catch their attention. The children freely wandered around the aisle making it difficult for the parents to navigate around. Once they reached the escalator, they stood on it side by side, completely blocking any exit for anyone else, whilst staring forward as though they were seeing something magical.
By the time I reached the men’s accessories section, I felt as though I aged 10 years. I felt like I was on a prison break with how frantic I was, but I managed to successfully purchase the tie and eager to leave the store. I also had to deal with my heart rate which I knew would deeply concern my doctor.
The modern day walking problem is most pronounced at airports. The combination of fatigue, new environments, and rolling luggage adds fuel to the slow-moving fire – building what appears to be a sophisticated dystotomy. When that storm hits, places like concourses, terminals and waiting areas are left with insurmountable ‘human fire hydrants’ of walking families.
Now granted, they may be moving at a glacial pace, but should you find yourself lurking behind them, there are signs showing you might just end up napping on a bench in terminal C. One notable thing about the airport culture is that slow walkers group up when moving. It is no longer one or two, but a convoy of four or five people who structurally fill the walkways elbow to elbow with external wheeled blockades extended across the whole area.
Nor can “walking” be done within, without additional luggage and searching for the perfect timing to overtake them, or complete the famous F1 borderline superhuman slalom racing, only at description level so far. The dilemma now shifts towards the invention of the moving walkway. These walking sidewalks were allegedly made to expedite pedestrian traffic, however, they ended up being the blockades to sideway slow walkers drooling and lifelessly planted on the middle.
Why is that so? Because carrying luggage in decent standing frame and giving up on them entirely seems to be the only solution. It is precisely the kind of thinking one would expect from the so-called “museum helpers.”
Walking around in an airport is already complicated.
But, in addition to everything else, there’s something called ‘The Walking Aisle Rule’ that states you must stand still on the right side and walk on the left. This rule, as surprising as it may sound, only seems to make sense to about 30 percent of people on the planet. Trying to tell slow walkers about this rule whilst saying “Excuse Me” is very counterproductive because you’ll be treated like a sociopath.
Apparently, nobody wants to exercise on a walking adapt or treadmill. There is nothing worse than the slow walker and their antics. Unlike in traffic, where you can use your car horn or flash your headlights to signal to the slow vehicle to move out of the way, on the sidewalk there’s no such feature.
Instead, we find ourselves stuck behind these so called human roadblocks. There is no side lane that allows pedestrians to walk faster than a medieval snail procession. We are left with overly aggressive workarounds and forced to either change streets and risk being hit by an overzealous driver, or take the longer route and march through bushes, landscaping, and sprinklers, or and my personal favorite, the ‘dreaded’ ‘Excuse Me’ approach which makes everyone involved in the situation uncomfortable.
The result as you may have guessed is slow walkers adjusting their position by two inches whilst continuing to walk at their slow pace. One of my thoughts had been whether or not slow walkers perceive time differently than other people. Perhaps the world moves a bit fast for them hence their slow pace is a form of walking meditation against the chaos of modern life.
If so, I could almost respect it as a philosophical position, if it didn’t make me late for my dental appointment. There is also a possibility that I am the issue with the solution here. That my assumption of being able to move smoothly from point A to point B in a straight line is somehow absurd.
Perhaps sidewalks are meant to be social environments rather than pedestrian highways. The true enjoyment of walking is not in getting to a destination, but in the aimless journey. For just under four seconds, I considered this view before tossing it out completely.
There is no denying it serves a purpose and that purpose is infrastructure and not performance art featuring the world’s slowest bipeds. The reality of it is that walking at slower speeds in public space is a form of personal spatial occupation. Just like the highway analogy, it caters to the drivers that prefer to cruise at 40mph and then block the rest of the cars that are traveling behind them.
Perhaps the answer is attention. While we tend to drive, we have mirrors that allow us to have a crystal clear view of what resides outside our cars. Similarly, a quick peak behind while walking should expose whether one is causing a human trafic jam.
Of course, the faces filled with frustration should signal to you that it is now time to move. If you are constantly experiencing people walking around yourself, then it’s possible, and in the best case scenario, you are the boulder. This certainly cannot take place forever.
Until then, rest assured, I can brace my self for the every day human molasses that comes along with the sidewalks. I’ll keep blaming my jogging speed on my running late and hypothize that the ahem gesture is used to show my presence in public without inviting any confrontations. And to the guy wearing tan pants who caused me to be seven minutes late for my medical appointment: I wish that one day you can feel the pain of being stuck behind someone slower than you, if such a person exists in this universe.
Only then will you know the reason as to why all of us do that ‘shameful jog’ around you. This is not because we don’t want to embrace the beauty of life, but rather because we don’t want to spend the next few decades looking like Gandalf. Anyway, I hope you pardon me for being rather rude, but there seems to be a cluster of tourists walking, no strutting, in my direction.
I need to make my getaway before they reach my ‘sight’. Is it just me or is there a gap right there? If I time it just right, I might make it through without having to do the half-jog shuffle of shame.
Go ahead and wish me good luck.
